Tailor of Clouds

Today I was feeling somewhat confident, so I went to the grocery store and practiced not buying.

This means that I picked up what I went in for (a frozen meal with veg for me, and the breakfast burritos my son likes) and nothing else. It also means I walked through every aisle that contain both the foods I tend to overbuy for my pantry, and also the aisles that have the food I have trouble not binging on.

It was a lot harder than I thought it would be to feel the feelings and put them aside, along with the food. I'm really glad I chose somewhere other than HEB, cuz they usually have coupons all over and that makes walking away harder.

I then pushed my luck by wandering into a dollar tree while I waited for the eye doctor next door to reopen from lunch so I could make an appointment, and practiced not buying things there. I had the most trouble in the toiletries area, and the nail polish. But a lot of other places triggered me too that I wasn't expecting. Candles, small gift boxes, puzzle toys... I found myself having to pause in the aisle, stare at the thing, and walk myself through a reminder that I have those things, and I don't need more. That they'll be available when I need them, and my current stash is such I won't need any more for a while.

It sounds like it should be easy, but it really wasn't. I did stand in the aisle holding the brain puzzles for a solid 3 minutes before I could get myself to put them back and walk away. I caved in the aisle of boxes and put two in my basket, but was able to overcome the temptation and go put them back. The dollar tree was a good place for this exercise, because while I don't normally shop there, it's a small store, so it was easier to go put things back without having to also fight the effort involved in walking back across a big store.

I did buy a package of pink lemonade packets, but that's because I've been actively hunting them since October and for some reason either the grocery stores haven't had them, or I'm just not looking in the right place.

I got the not buying field trip from my studies in how to fight my hoarding disorder. Applying it to binge food too is a new attempt. My binge eating has gotten the worst it's been since high school, so I really need to find a way to get in front of it.

It was a good thing too that I'd already packed the kids' stockings and stashed them in paper bags in the garage, because that made it easier not to fall victim to all the little things that become stocking stuffers. I might have caved on the brain puzzles or a few other things if I hadn't known for sure those were full. I'm making a mental note to prep them as soon as possible next year and tuck them away so that I know as far in advance as possible to not buy more things for them.

This coming year, when I'm going to endevour to go back to avoiding plastic as much as possible (instead of just where it's easy) and to avoid buying new items with very few exceptions, is definitely going to be hard; especially in the beginning. I'm hopeful though that with practice, and possibly also a counselor if I can hunt one up, I can get back into better habits of both buying, stashing, and bingeing. There have been times when I've been good with each of those things, so I know I can do it, if I can just break the habits of indulgence I have allowed myself to get into.

Choosing to undo habits and the process of building better ones isn't easy, and I think for some of us it takes much longer than the 21 days so often quoted, but I can see very very clearly where my life would be better with the habits I'm choosing to aim for than with the habits I've slid into.

I've been trying to work in small habits to work toward better self care. I downloaded an app that helps you keep track of chores, and the way it is set up lets you make a task out of almost anything, so mine includes self care as a category.

I recently set up a makeup table in my room out of my great grandma's desk and a lighted battery powered foldable vanity mirror. It gives me a fun place to sit down and feel like I"m pampering myself when I'm putting on my lotion and facecream at night, or my spf face lotion in the morning. Oh, yeah, and putting on makeup. So far I really love it! I'm using the wooden adjustable shower chair I found at the thrift store for $5 as the seat. It works well because when I need it for the shower it's super lightweight to move and take in there, but when other persons are using the shower they aren't having to find someplace in my tiny bathroom to set it outside the shower.

I've also been working on squeezing in exercise in places where I don't feel like I"m being deprived of time to do other things. The biggest success story in that department so far is parking at the back of the parking lot when running errands (or the furthest back there is a cart return in the case of shopping that requires a cart). It feels good, I've already given myself permission not to do that when the weather is miserable, and it is super easy to find my white truck in the sea of white trucks that is a Texas parking lot.