Apparently it's been 3 years since I posted

But I'm hoping to get back into journaling. I have some grand plans for 2020. My brain keeps popping up "Hindsight is..." whenever it sees 2020 on something, and it's making me want to work on things that, when looked back on clearly after, will be things I can be proud of and have learned from.

New year's resolutions are always iffy. But I think if I work on getting back some lifestyle changes that have slipped, as well as looking at things as a project and blogging it as I go, I'll have more motivation than the usual January 1st dreams.

I've managed to regain in a year half of the pounds I had lost over three years...and my cholesterol is 10 points over normal. Since it was previously at the low end, this is a bit heads up that my binge eating has gotten out of control. It's an eating disorder that is often not acknowledged, but it's very real and makes eating a game of chicken.

I've been unable to sit at my computer for some time now, but I've just been gifted a really nice and not heavy laptop from my parents, which I'm typing on now, which (as long as I don't go for big chunks of time typing, which hurts my hands) should enable blogging or journaling again for me.

2020 Hindsight:
working on the binge eating habit and finding ways to sneak in exercise. My mom has suggested that starting in January I take "one hour a day for yourself" to use for self care. The discipline of that will be difficult but I do think it's a good idea. Using that hour for exercise or other self care could be really beneficial. I've already started working in small ways to exercise: some physical therapy stretches when watching tv, parking at the back of the parking lot while running errands when the weather isn't miserable. If I"m going to work out any more than that I"ll first have to work up the courage to call for another appointment with my pain doctor.

I'd also love to work on downsizing more. I started the Konmari method a few years back and the difference was amazing...but I've slipped. Being on a fixed low income means letting go of things is harder because I can't just replace them. Manic shopping fits drain anything I"m able to set aside, and being a recovering hoarder means things get away from my quickly. She says once you do it once you never have to do it again, but I find a lot of that sort of thing has to be revisited regularly when dealing with hoarding. It will be interesting to focus on working through a major downsize like that while also dealing with disabilities that effect my mobility and focus, hoarder instincts, and the need to not discard what might be needed. It's a different angle on it that directly bumps up against the criticism often leveled at minimalists and the Konmari method of being a privileged option and hard to do when dealing with the "poor tax". Just pushing myself to "get things under control" usually backfires with overwhelm and resentment, but I think if I look at it as exploring how my disabilities change the experience and recording that, it becomes a project and an exploration, which is more palatable.

The other thing that's really been bothering me is how much we've had to use convenience things as my abilities have continued to decline. We use much more plastic and energy now than we did at one point and I'd love to work on getting back to a more sustainable lifestyle. We do some things, but I know I used to do more and it would be satisfying to get some of the ones that have slipped back, or find alterations of them to meet in the middle between ideology and ability.

I'm debating trying again to find a therapist, but that will wait until January for sure; I have too many difficult phone calls that are slipping through the cracks right now in the face of burnout and anxiety and those are, frankly, much more important.

The writing goal is small for now: one entry per week on each of the projects; downsizing both things and stressors, self care, and sustainability.

2020 HIndsight: Downsizing- Winter Holidays

The first thing that's cropping up in my need to downsize is the winter holidays.
Halloween is my favorite holiday of the whole year. I have lots of decorations and I love putting them up. I don't even mind taking them down; I take my time, and get to touch each one again, and that feels good.

The problem comes in that when it's over, and the pumpkins haver served their November purpose, the last thing I want to do is decorate for Yule. Pulling out the tree and fluffing and lighting it (my children's dad is allergic to pine, so fake tree it is). unwrapping the decorations and hanging them, all the outside decorations and inside decorations, and the knowledge that it's only a couple weeks until it all has to come back down just drains me. We wait until after my son's December birthday party to decorate, which means I'm watching everyone on Facebook and in the neighborhood put up their decorations, while not doing mine.

This year, with things falling through the cracks by the handful, I just couldn't make myself face it.

After checking with the children that not having our usual bigger tree wouldn't bother them, I went to Aldi during a sale and bought a tiny two foot tree for $4; decorated with the small ornaments I, conveniently, didn't put away last year, hung with striped red and green paperclips from my drawer so I didn't have to dig out my ornament hooks. I bought new electric candles from them for $1 each that have a timer in them and run on batteries. No worrying about where to plug them in in a house full of devices, and no having to remember to turn them on and off. Also they flicker, so that's just a win. I bought a tiny string of white lights and hung them through my house plant that sits in the front window, so I could have my "tree lights" in the window without moving half the furniture in the office half of the living room. One short string of colored lights and a fake white poinsettia garland with pinecones went on the front porch, and boom. Holiday decorations. The tiny tree is on the dining table surrounded by the gifts. I wrapped those mostly in paper, because it feels more festive to me. But all the paper had either been purchased from the thrift store, found as a curb score, or saved from previous years by carefully removing them from the presents they first wrapped. I don't do bows. A poinsettia in the living room, and one in the kitchen complete the decorations.

It's working for me and I find I"m only missing one thing; the ornaments made by my mother and grandma. Those are packed away and they certainly wont' fit on my tiny tree.
Then I remembered that when the kids were teeny, I would string fake garland along the beam on our high ceiling living room and hang them from that. I got rid of the garland once they were old enough not to drag things off our tree, but there isn't any reason I couldn't get some garland during this year's Christmas clearance sales and hang them along the living room wall next year to hold those ornaments where I will see them all the time.

This is downsizing on two fronts; my obligations and efforts, and the amount of things I"ll need to store all year for 2-3 weeks of decorating time. I've missed the window for selling ornaments and trees, but that just means I have plenty of time to go through all the Yule things this coming year and then put them up for sale November 1st next year to find them a good home. Which also means I have time to get through this year's burnout and see if next year I want all the things again and this was just a temporary exhaustion.

It can be hard to deal with breaking tradition. The tree in the window, the ornaments on it, the act of trimming the tree with the kids, etc, but I find that as my illnesses advance, and gain new additions, sometimes I have to find the strength to put aside the habits and expectations that are more doable with a more functional body or budget.

We'll see where this ends up, but for this year, the decorations feel just about right.

2020 Hindsight: Sustainability, Used vs New

One of the things I'm beginning to work on, with plans to ramp up into full production come 2020, is getting back to buying or finding second hand as much of what we own as possible. It's good for the budget, and the environment. Plus it makes me feel satisfied and, dare I say, a bit smug, when I can tell people the thing they just complimented came off the street as a curbscore, or was a lucky find at a thrift store, or that I got a good price secondhand from a stranger on the internet.

I've moved far away from that and let's face it, it's *really easy* to find anything you want at a moment's notice now. Viva le internet. That's both good for those of us with mobility issues, and terrible for those of us with impulse control issues.

My budget was strained and stretched and shot in the head over and over this year and by now I"m scrambling to pay bills, and I shouldn't be.

So it's time to move back to hunting for things we need, instead of just popping credit card numbers into a screen or pulling up to a big box store full of distracting temptations.

Obviously some things can't be purchased used. Food comes to mind, and toiletries. BUT I have quite a bit of many things that we can work our way through before buying new. I'm not going to make my kids suffer for this project, so while things we can use up from here are great, if my daughter runs out of the facewash that works for her teenage acne, I'm not going to make her use other things that may not work as well. There are plenty of things where brand doesn't matter though and that I have stashes of. Using those instead of buying "our favorite brand" will be good practice in the art of saying "No, I already have some, ignore that sale/coupon"; since we already have a thing it isn't going without, and doesn't involve delaying access to the thing.

Mostly that's toiletries, but also some cleaning supplies, and definitely plenty of pantry and freezer food. Partly that stems from using food pantries to supplement our food budget, but part of it is just choosing to walk the easy road of getting the couple dozen things we like best to eat and not getting creative with the food we are given that we wouldn't have purchased on our own.

Unfortunately my "buy it now" habits are kicking in and I'm having to fight the urge to buy things to help us cook better food as quickly as the convenience food we use; sandwich presses, and bacon stands, and pasta cookers, and egg makers for the microwave. Cuz...ya know...microwave. I'm resisting, but I"m probably going to put some of them on my wish list.

2020 Hindsight; Self care: small habits

I've been trying to work in small habits to work toward better self care. I downloaded an app that helps you keep track of chores, and the way it is set up lets you make a task out of almost anything, so mine includes self care as a category.

I recently set up a makeup table in my room out of my great grandma's desk and a lighted battery powered foldable vanity mirror. It gives me a fun place to sit down and feel like I"m pampering myself when I'm putting on my lotion and facecream at night, or my spf face lotion in the morning. Oh, yeah, and putting on makeup. So far I really love it! I'm using the wooden adjustable shower chair I found at the thrift store for $5 as the seat. It works well because when I need it for the shower it's super lightweight to move and take in there, but when other persons are using the shower they aren't having to find someplace in my tiny bathroom to set it outside the shower.

I've also been working on squeezing in exercise in places where I don't feel like I"m being deprived of time to do other things. The biggest success story in that department so far is parking at the back of the parking lot when running errands (or the furthest back there is a cart return in the case of shopping that requires a cart). It feels good, I've already given myself permission not to do that when the weather is miserable, and it is super easy to find my white truck in the sea of white trucks that is a Texas parking lot.